THE WHOLE MEGILLAH!
OR
THINGS ARE SELDOM WHAT THEY SEEM
MARCH 17, 2003
ORIGINAL LYRICSY BY GAIL FOORMAN, OTHER MATERIAL PLAGIARIZED FROM VARIOUS SOURCES
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
CARSHENA……………………………………………………………………..
SHETHAR…………………………………………………………………………..
NARRATOR………………………………………………………………..
AHASHVEROSH, King of Persia…………………………….
A SERVANT…………………………………………………………………
VASHTI, Queen of Persia, until……………………………….
ESSA, a harem girl…………………………………………………….
GIANETTA, a harem girl……………………………………………..
CASILDA, a harem girl…………………………………………………
ESTHER, A Nice Jewish Girl…………………………………….
MORDECHAI, Her Uncle…………………………………………
HAMAN, A Bad Apple…………………………………………………….
HARBONAH, A Eunuch ………………………………………………..
CHORUS OF GUESTS:
CHORUS OF HAREM GIRLS
CHORUS OF JEWS
MUSICAL NUMBERS:
Prologue (Things Are Seldom What They Seem)…………………….Carshena, Shethar and Chorus
We Drink All Night…………………………………………………………Ahasverosh, Servant, Guests
Oh, Better to Be the Persian King……………………………………..Ahashverosh and Guests
Ahashverosh, My Dear…………………………………………………..Vashti
Never Mind the Why and Wherefore………………………………….Ahashverosh, Mordechai, Hagai, and Esther
Oh, One of Us Will Be A Queen………………………………………………………..Esther, Tessa, Giannetta, Casilda, and Harem Girls
I Hate the King……………………………………………………….Bigthan, Teresh, and Mordechai
I Hate the Jews……………………………………………………………………………………..Haman
Esther, You’re Our People’s Only Hope……………………………….Mordechai and Esther
When the King Saw the Queen………………………..Ahashverosh, Esther, and Chorus
When You’re Lying Awake……………………………………………….Ahashverosh and Haman
Pray, King Ahashverosh……………………………………………………..Esther and Ahashverosh
Kind Monarch, I’ve Important Information……………………..Harbonah and Ahashverosh
And So The Jews All Joyous Are……………………………………………………………….Ensemble
“THINGS ARE SELDOM WHAT THEY SEEM”
(Carshena:)
Things are seldom what they seem
That’s the message of Purim
A haughty noble is brought down
(To the tune of “Things Are Seldom What They Seem” From HMS Pinafore A lowly maiden gains a crown By Gilbert and Sullivan)
“WE DRINK ALL NIGHT”
(Chorus)
We drink all night, and then we sleep all day
A game of cards we might perchance to play.
No sound at all, we hardly say a word, the sounds of gulping are all that’s heard.
(To the tune of “With Cat-like Tread” The Pirates of Penzance By Gilbert and Sullivan)
”OH BETTER TO BE THE PERSIAN KING”
(Ahashverosh:)
Oh better to be the Persian King
Than almost any other thing
I have a great life and a fabulous court
And with my wife make merry sport.
(To the tune of “Oh Better Far to Live and Die” from The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan)
”AHASHVEROSH, MY DEAR”
(Vashti)
Ahashverosh, my dear, stick it in your ear,
Your shindig I shall not attend, I may be your wife, but honey, get a life,
You sound like you’ve gone ‘round the bend.
(To the tune of “The Laughing Song” from Die Fledermaus by Johann Strauss)
“NEVER MIND THE WHY AND WHEREFORE”
(Ahashverosh)
Never mind the why and wherefore
The old queen I didn’t care for
This is medieval Persia
We don’t read Ms. Magazine
If you disobey the monarch
You cannot remain the queen.
(To the tune of “Never Mind the Why and Wherefore” from HMS Pinafore by Gilbert and Sullivan)
“A REGULAR ROYAL QUEEN”
(Esther)
Oh, one of us will be a queen and sit on a golden throne
With a crown instead of a hat on her head and diamonds all her own.
With a beautiful robe of gold and green, I’ve always understood
I wonder whether she’d wear a feather, I rather think she would
(all)
Oh, ‘tis a glorious thing I ween to be a regular royal queen
No half and half affair I mean, no half and half affair
But a right down regular, regular, regular, regular Royal Queen.
(To the tune of “A Regular Royal Queen” from The Gondoliers by Gilbert and Sullivan)
”I HATE THE KING”
(Bigthan)
I hate the king, his end I’d bring about if I’d an alibi
An accident I’d not prevent from cutting short Ahashverosh’ court.
I know that you hate him too
And you like I would love to see him die.
And you like I would love to see him die.
(To the tune of “I Am So Proud” From The Mikado by Gilbert and Sullivan)
“HERE’S A HOWDY DO”
(Haman:)
Here’s a howdy do
Mordecai the Jew
Only bows to God he’s claimin‘
And will not bow down to Haman
Mordecai is through
Here’s a howdy do
Here’s a howdy do
(To the tune of “Here’s a Howdy Do” from The Mikado by Gilbert ahd Sullivan)
”WHEN THE KING SAW THE QUEEN”
(Chorus:)
When the king saw the queen
You know what I mean
And the way she looked
He about fell right off his chair
He extended to her the golden scepter, woo
When he saw her standing there
(To the tune of “I Saw Her Standing There” by The Beatles)
”WHEN YOU’RE LYING AWAKE”
(Ahashverosh:)
When you’re lying awake
With a dismal headache
And repose is taboo’d by anxiety,
‘Cause the annals you read
At a rocketish speed
Are disturbing in their impropriety.
(To the tune of “When You’re Lying Awake” (The Nightmare Song) from Iolanthe by Gilbert and Sullivan)
“PRAY, KING AHASHVEROSH”
(Esther:)
Pray, King Ahashverosh, please listen to my story
For otherwise your queen will face a fate most gory
I beg sir on my knees for your compassion
Please do not let me die in awful fashion
(To the tune of “Refrain, Audacious Tar” from H.M.S. Pinafore)
“KIND MONARCH I’VE IMPORTANT INFORMATION”
(Harbonah:)
Kind monarch, I’ve important information,
Sing hey the merry monarch that is you
About a certain intimate relation
Sing hey, the wicked vizier and the Jew.
(Chorus:)
The wicked wicked vizier, the wicked wicked vizier
Sing hey the very wicked vizier and the Jew.
(To the tune of “Kind Captain, I’ve Important Information” from H.M.S. Pinafore by Gilbert and Sullivan)
“AND SO THE JEWS ALL JOYOUS ARE”
(Chorus:)
And so the Jews all joyous are
On every Thirteenth of Adar
That’s when we thought
That Haman’s plot
Would bring about our end.
(To the tune of “With Strephon for Your Foe” (Act 1 Finale) from Iolanthe by Gilbert and Sullivan)